Seven Tips for Restoring Relationships

When God saves us, He never leaves us where He finds us. He provides for our transformation and healing by the Holy Spirit. Often it is a messy process.

Full disclosure: My healing process has been messy, and I have hurt others dear to me in my attempt to find wholeness.

The last ten years have been intense as the Holy Spirit has revealed broken places in my soul and walked with me in transformation. My eyes were open to the extent of trauma in both my childhood and adulthood, experiences I had sought to minimize and dismiss. In my desperation to find healing, without warning I dumped an ugly load of pain in the path of my loved ones, hoping they would graciously sort through all the garbage with me. I admit this was an unwise and unfair approach.

I am grateful to the Lord for His lovingkindness and grace. I am in a far better space today, but Jesus and I are not done yet. I am in awe, that in spite of myself, Jesus has restored my significant relationships. I FaceTime with my mom twice a month and have meaningful conversations. This week I had a wonderful visit with my dad and stepmom, two people incredibly dear to my heart. Throughout our time together, I marveled at the healing work of God. Every moment spent with them was a gift.

I can’t go back in time, but I can be more aware going forward.

Here are some tips I have gleaned about seeking to restore relationships. It takes both parties for restoration. If both parties are not willing, restoration is not possible, but you can still find peace through Christ.

Be patient. Restoration is a process. It takes time to rebuild trust. Also, heart change is a work of the Holy Spirit. God’s timing is not our timing. “He has made everything beautiful in its time” (Ecclesiastes 3:11a NIV).

Take responsibility for yourself. You are only in control of yourself. Talk about your feelings, perceptions, and experiences. Do not assume the worst or blame others. “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you” (Matthew 7:12a).

Forgive. Just as you have been forgiven in Christ, extend forgiveness. “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32).

Forgive again. Every time feelings of hurt or offense arise, remind yourself that you have chosen to forgive. “Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times’” (Matthew 18:21-22).

Listen well. As Stephen Covey recommends, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” Listen to learn and understand. Put yourself in the other’s shoes. “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (James 1:19).

Walk in love. Read and meditate on 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. Model the example of Jesus regardless of the response you receive. Some issues just need to be dropped. “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8).

Remember that life is short. Each day is a gift from God. Nobody is guaranteed tomorrow. I certainly don’t want a loved one to pass away, knowing that I didn’t do my part to work toward restoration. We don’t have the luxury of withholding forgiveness. “Teach us to realize the brevity of life, so that we may grow in wisdom” (Proverbs 90:12 NLT).

Friends, our God delights in restoring relationships. We thrive in life and leadership, as we keep our hearts open to restoration with others.