joddi-jay

If you’ve followed my writing on social media or my blog, you know that I strive to be positive and uplifting. With so much pain in our world, I want to share the hope found in Jesus. Sometimes, though, life isn’t pleasant. When we only show the positive, filtered side, it becomes inauthentic. Others wonder what’s wrong with them when everyone else seems struggle-free.

In the spirit of transparency, today was a hard day. My daughter, Haven, has been seeking medical help for over a year for on-going and increasing pain. She has gone from doctor to doctor, from specialist to specialist. She was finally referred to the experts in Seattle (three hours away), and her appointment was today.

I had arranged transportation a month ago and confirmed it a week ago. Yesterday, the company called with our pick-up time of 6:30 am, plenty of time to make it to the hospital. Everything was set. Then today, things fell apart. Our ride was delayed. We called the hospital to explain our situation. The receptionist advised that the clinic was closed, but we could come and find out if they would see us when we arrived.

We got there an hour late and rushed to the neurology surgery clinic. That receptionist looked surprised when she saw our appointment time. I recounted what had happened. She went to speak to someone in charge. She returned with a smile on her face. “They said they will work Haven into the schedule.” Haven and I sighed with relief.

Ten minutes later, the receptionist approached us. “I’m so sorry,” she apologized. “The doctor is too busy to see you. I’ll schedule you a new appointment.” I suggested that we wait and see if there were any no-shows. But, we left the clinic with our new appointment in hand. A telehealth appointment. Couldn’t we have had a telehealth appointment in the first place?

Haven was devastated. We stopped at two bathrooms so she could cry. There was nothing I could do to fix things. Once again, she had been the recipient of the systemic failure too common for disabled and marginalized people who rely on those systems. And so, Haven has yet another month of waiting in pain.

We got home and Haven cried some more. This time I joined her. We cried and yelled and cried some more.

Sometimes a little rant is good for you.

As Jesus-followers, and especially women, we are told not to express “negative” emotions. Sadness, depression, and anger are signs of a lack of faith and self-control. When we feel them, we either dismiss them, refusing to experience them, or we keep them a secret and pretend they don’t exist in our lives. Being human, though, means that we have emotions. God has given them as a gift.

Throughout the Book of Psalms, the authors cried out to God in the midst of suffering, persecution, and betrayal. They acknowledged their pain while trusting the Lord.

Jesus Himself expressed “negative” emotions. He felt anger toward the Pharisees (Matthew 23), and lamented over Jerusalem (Luke 13:34-35). He wept at the tomb of Lazarus (John 11:35). And, He always, always trusted His Father.

I don’t doubt God’s goodness and faithfulness to me. However, people and the systems they create can be broken and cause harm. Life can just be plain ole hard. When that happens, it’s okay to rant a little, while, at the same time, finding hope in Jesus.